September 2, 2024
By: Bill Conger
I feel like Andy Griffith did when he walked into a football game for the first time. Full of ignorance, he tried as he might to understand what was going on in that cow pasture, which he described on his hilarious comedy record, “What It Was, Was Football.” I’m that same way when it comes to a lot of sports including golf. Still, I didn’t figure my poor knowledge of the sport was that big a deal on Saturday (August 24) when I was a volunteer for the Haven of Hope’s annual fundraising golf tournament.
As a child therapist at the Haven, I was happy to offer my assistance at the Smithville Golf Course. I was given the laborious task of reclining in a lounge chair in the shade and gentle breeze, drinking my Diet Sundrop, as golfers of all talents gave their best shot at something called a Hole-In-One. I thought the object of the game was to get the ball in the hole, but apparently, no one else knew it because not a single one landed in that little cup with a flag. I expected to be taking up money for those wanting to participate in that side event, but it turns out my gig was to make sure none of the golfers were BIG FAT LIARS! Apparently, golf is a lot like fishing except they tell their whoppers about birdies and eagles and other such things from the golf green. Oh, what tales they were forming in their mind as they drove the golf cart 50 yards to the left of the green to pick up their golf balls.
I was stationed to the right of Hole 8 in what I thought was a safe distance away. Then, here came 3 of my buddies from Smithville First Baptist Church, David Burklow, Mack Harney, and Jim Bell. Worn out from eating their barbecue lunch before the shotgun start, they drove their carts to the hole to work off a few calories. I thought Jim was stretching with his club at first, but he was bent over a little too long. A kink in the back? Maybe he was praying for a great drive. If that’s the case, the Lord said, “No!” Full of confidence, Jim swung the mighty iron and struck pay dirt. The ball went 15 feet, dirt flew to the nearest tree limb, and his stroke left a divot the size of an excavation site. To cover up for Jim’s embarrassment, David sliced his shot to the right of the green, and the ball came sailing toward my head. Guess I’ll be getting dentures now! Then, Mack hit the ball with all his might and the ball landed in the hole! I couldn’t believe it! Way to go! Oh, wait. Wrong hole. This one had some water in it. I think it was a wannabe creek. It’s soon to be named Golf Ball Dam because Mack’s golf ball was accompanied by about 20 others that day that clogged up the water.
Finally, Tom Groom, who was the emcee of the event, and a seasoned golfer called upon his years of experience, his keen knowledge of the sport, and two ringers he had Roth Terrell fly in from Crossville. Mark Bass, a former minister at Smithville FBC, and his two golf star teenage daughters, joined Tom on the 18 holes. But Tom said his wise strategy at the charity tourney was for a good cause. ‘Cause he wanted to win!
Somebody did get within 24 inches of making an actual hole-in-one that day, but before I found out who won the tournament. Brad and Mason Curtis came sailing in on their golf cart with an emergency. “Stet! Potato salad needs to be rescued! No refrigeration! A counselor’s job is never done.
All the golfers had a great time Saturday. The best part is that proceeds go to the Haven of Hope Counseling Center right here in Smithville. The Haven of Hope is a not-for-profit Christian counseling agency serving our community and helping to make lives better since 2008.